Yes! That’s what the Queenbee ordained me to write about. Now what do I know about Polly? Why does she tickle attire? What if she does? What can I write about it? Wait! I think I get it. There’s a phonetic correction to be applied here. Happens when you take instructions on phone. You need a phonetic correction. Maybe she meant Political Satire and not Polly tickles attire.
Ah well! For the past few months, I’ve been living in an existential crisis like Sartre’s ire. I made my career at Fundamatics by reporting the bungling at Madam G’s Pvt Ltd, MGPL in short. Through 5 pieces titled JEE Huzoor, Bungle in the Jungle, Cabinet Rebungle, Tearing up Nonsense and AAP, BAAP aur PAAP, I reported on the frequent bungling indulged in by Madam G’s men including the blue-turbaned head-nodding remote-controlled CoE (Chief of Estate) and other assorted dramatis personae like Shudder Jowar, P Chillum Humdrum, Menace Tawry, Uphill Cymbal, Sheila-in-deep-shit et al. Bungling was so frequent, I virtually lived in 10, Warpath-Madam G’s bungalow on the estate. But alas! As I had predicted, a hostile takeover of the estate was attempted by Marauder Moody and his saffron-chested khakhi-shorted men and finally, they won. They took over the estate lock, stock and oil barrel. Madam G and her son Rollback Aandhi crashed like Humpty Dumpty and all kinsmen could not put them together again. All the bunglers evaporated into oblivion like the hot air they were full of. My existence at Fundamatics was under threat. What or who would I grumble about now?
When Queenbee told me to write a satire, as I now understand, I went back to MGPL to see what I could report and I found myself walking into a tea party. Read on to learn more.
MGPL looked like a medieval ruin. Tattered and torn. There was an army of restorers trying to put things in place. The new estate gardener Prakash Jawbreaker was supervising the construction of a lotus pond. Specialist painters from Nagpur were colouring the walls with a liberal dash of saffron. New telephone operator Ravi Bunker Mossad was installing a hotline to Nagpur. New CFO Overrun Jetlag was desperately looking around to locate concealed treasure-chests and sighing at all the empty coffers that showed up. Marauder Moody, impeccably dressed as ever, drove in and all congregated at 7 Pace Curse Road for a meeting.
“Bhaion, aur bahut sari behenon”, Moody began his address while pointing to the plethora of women in the room. I Smart Rani beamed a huge smile in acknowledgment.
“Congratulations to all for a successful takeover of the estate. We now need to mull over a new name. We cannot call it Madam G’s Private Limited. It is neither Madam G’s anymore. Nor is it private or even limited. Any suggestions for a new name?”
New CFO Overrun Jetlag was desperately looking around to locate concealed treasure-chests and sighing at all the empty coffers that showed up. Marauder Moody, impeccably dressed as ever, drove in and all congregated at 7 Pace Curse Road for a meeting.
“How about “Ab ki baar estate”? That way, we can mock our enemies on Akbar Road.” new Security Officer Raj Nut Singh suggested. “Or maybe “Achhe Din estate”.” This was from waterwoman Amma Bore-thi.
“Bhaion aur behenon! This is not an estate anymore. We are now a mega conglomerate. In fact, Meaty Shah here will acquire 29 estates for us in good time. We need a name befitting a corporate entity that we will evolve into.” Moody interjected.
“Sir! May I suggest “Moody Sarkar Unlimited”.” This smart suggestion came from teacher I Smart Rani. “Name is appropriate and you said that we should not be limited to private or to limited.”
Moody smiled. “Brilliant, you smart Rani. Moody Sarkar Unlimited. MSU. Reminds me of MS University in my constituency Vadodara. I’ll go with this name.” Assembled gathering broke into an applause and some showered lotuses on Moody in approval.
“But Sir!” Meaty Shah interjected. “You gave up Vadodara. Your constituency is Varanasi now. Not Vadodara.”
“Hmm…” Moody continued. “You are right. I gave up Vadodara when people told me that it sounds like Vadra. You see, I used to sell tea at Vadnagar station. If I had lost this battle, I would have been selling tea at Vadranagar that would have come up in Haryana. Speaking of tea, let’s take a tea break. Who’s providing us with tea?”
“Sir!” answered kitchen-in-charge Harsimrat Cower Bridal. “I have given the tea contract to Funny Shankar Ire.”
“Why did you do that? Don’t you know that Funny Shankar is a bartender at Akbar Road?” Moody shot back. “Not any more Sir! After your victory, Funny has shifted from bartending to tea making. There is nobody left at Akbar Road to drink, neither is anything left at Akbar Road to drink. Funny now swears that he will only serve tea rest of his life. In fact, he does nothing but drink tea.”
“Why, does he not eat anything?” Moody quizzed. “No Sir! He’s too busy eating his words.” Moody laughed. “Ok, before we break for tea, I also want to tell you that I want to change my name.”
Everyone was shocked into silence. “Why Sir? Marauder Moody is such a nice name.” Meaty Shah tried to make Moody change his mind.
“Meaty! You don’t understand. Days of marauding are over. From now on, I’ll be Narrator Moody. You see, previous Chief of Estate i.e. CoE never spoke. He only nodded his head when Madam pressed the remote. I have to change that. From now on, only I’ll speak and you all will nod. And I’ll be CEO, not CoE.” Everybody nodded in approval.
“One last thing before we break”, CEO of MSU Narrator Moody continued. “We have to discuss one program every time we meet. So I propose that we start a cleaning campaign. All of you have been complaining that there is a lot of mess left behind by Madam G’s brigade. So let’s all pick up our brooms and start cleaning.”
“Sir! That would be a big mistake.” Prakash Jawbreaker chipped in. “If we pick up brooms, people will mistake us for that mango-man Allwind Jhaduwal. Wanted to be a sweeper, but became the swept instead. We should not bungle like Madam G. Let’s do something else.”
“You make a good point Jawbreaker. Let’s do this. Let’s all use vacuum cleaners, not brooms. Electrician Fuse Goyal will provide us with power. That way, we won’t look like that Jhaduwal character.”
“But Sir! From where will we import vacuum cleaners? There is no money left to import vacuum cleaners. There’s vacuum in the treasury.” Commercial Officer Normal Sitharaman countered. “Aha! We will have to start making vacuum cleaners. And we have to make them here. Right here. MAKE IN INDIA.” “Sir! Do you mean vacuum cleaners can be made in India?” Normal wondered.
“Do not say Made in India!” Moody thundered. “That reminds me of the Italian Maid in India. We have to take her to the cleaners in this moment of her political vacuum. Let us just MAKE IN INDIA.” Everyone rose and moved to the dining room for a tea break, where Funny Shankar Ire requested Smart Rani to take a photo of him serving tea to Narrator Moody. Moody smiled, declined the tea, picked up a Thums Up bottle and started singing “Happy Days are here again……”.