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RaaS

by Anil Gandhi
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The commandments got you confused? Don’t know which religion to join? Not to fear. We can help; and we have helped thousands of others like you in the quest for a commandment free nirvana.

Outsource your religious needs to us and we’ll take care of the rest. Our Religion as a Service(RaaS) cloud solution called “DoItMyWay” is the answer to your prayers. Speaking of prayers, we will pray for you, follow all the fatwas for you and not eat any vegetable or meat products that you select. Choose from a wide selection of forbidden fruits/ vegetables/meat products a la carte or if you prefer, select it from a prix fixe menu and we’ll make sure it will not get eaten by us. We offer a guilt free way to reach the heavens without sacrificing the quality of life you deserve.
And it gets better.

Outsource your religious needs to us and we’ll take care of the rest. Our Religion as a Service(RaaS) cloud solution called “DoItMyWay” is the answer to your prayers.

We have excellent network attached storage with physical redundancy and 3X failovers, so you can be sure that all the religious baggage from 1000s of years ago has nearly zero possibility of data loss with us. Storage can be provisioned instantly as your religious baggage grows while you travel the world and discover more ways to create bizarre artificial realities. And you will be glad to know that our data center runs off a coal plant – we destroy the environment so you don’t have to – this way you can be dressed in perfectly greenwashed clothing while we do all the dirtying for you.

Like storage, memory and CPU cycles can be provisioned instantly in our RaaS offering, although we have found that most of our clients don’t have much need for serious computation; likewise not much memory is needed since religious data tends to be in byte sized chunks.

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At this time we offer two platforms on the cloud – Hindows and IslaMac. To help you select, here are some guidelines – Hindows has a higher overhead because it has bigger visualization and graphical requirements, but the IslaMac platform can be challenging to configure for some subscribers as it only operates behind a fireveil.  Next year we have plans to offer the Cathonix platform which is unique because it creates information packets called guilt nuts that require very little storage resulting from our use of advanced data compression techniques (banging on the head with a stick).

Storage can be provisioned instantly as your religious baggage grows while you travel the world and discover more ways to create bizarre artificial realities.

Now you might be wondering – “this must cost a fortune – with the all the redundancy and failovers and state of the art security and so on”. Again, fear not, you can sign up for free, we only ask that you deposit your soul with us. We make it easy for you. If you order today, we will throw in another subscription for your paramour for free. For a whole year, no less. Now both of you can comply with heavenly laws while eating anything you want, even gluten and yes, even an apple.

But there’s more…

On any day this would be a fantastic deal in itself already. But we love you, ladies and gentlemen. So folks, if the deal wasn’t yet attractive enough for you, try this one on for size – If you get a five year subscription, you get to create your own religion so you can feel holier than the rock in our backyard one and that other one over there in your neighbor’s backyard too. Just like our basic plan, we will not consume the forbidden fruit (so you can) and not have coitus with your hot neighbor (so you can), but we will also trick evangelize other DoItMyWay subscribers to join us in following your religion. Now there’s a deal you can’t refuse, even in Gomorrah.

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