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Speaking Technology

by Rustom Kanga


In some countries where I go

Using Skype is illegal , you know

And for illegal things they often cut

Something off or whip your butt.


But the executioner is kind and nice

After his dissection he’ll apply ice


He doesn’t use a sword any more

To make the pain last he uses a saw


For theft your right hand he will cut

For Peeping Toms your eyes he’ll shut… permanently


So when they caught me using Skype

I pointed out that I could not type


I type with one finger, I said

And I never, ever use my head.



Toide wa – doko desu ka*

(*Translation: Where is the toilet)

Inspired by the amazing talking toilets that have evolved in Japan


When you first arrive in Tokyo

And ‘re feeling somewhat dumb

‘Çause you cannot speak the language

Makes you so lonesome


You don’t ever have to panic

There’s a toilet nearby

It will answer all your questions

And listen without a sigh


You can ask for the exchange rate

Or the price of Exxon shares

Or what’s on in Roppongi

Or the return Shinkansen fares


While it sprays your nether end

And dries it with a breeze

Of perfume scented, quite compelling

Warm air so you don’t freeze.

All the while its playing

A polka with a beat

Its so friendly and comfortable

You wouldn’t leave that seat

And it will read you poetry

And laugh at all your jokes

Its smart Japanese wizardry

I tell you it’s no hoax


The ultimate intelligence

In a toilet near you

It makes you want to go again

When you’ve nothing else to do



I have had a strong objection

From my toilet back at home

It is sad I never mentioned it

In my Nipponesque tome


It too can recite Shakespeare

And do poetry and such

But it doesn’t get a chance to speak

Because I talk too much







gautam saha January 20, 2014 - 12:36 pm

good one, Rustom, you do have a sense of humour – offbeat subject but funny still – keep it going…….

Manu Hinduja January 21, 2014 - 2:59 am

Good ones, Rustom! Did not know you were also a comedian/poet!


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