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The N-eww Pharticle

by Anil Gandhi
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In a hastily arranged press conference at the headquarters of the Beano group, the head of public relations, Paris Hilton, walked up to the podium, and announced, “We have made a discovery last week that will forever change the world of Pharticle Psychics”. And then she went on to describe the elusive Stinky Pharton that was theorized by the Nobel Prize winning psychic, Biggs Moron, years ago. The half life of the Stinky Pharton has been the subject of much debate in recent years and has given many a scientist a bad stomach. Normally, this pharticle is short lived. However, new findings suggest that under certain conditions it may live long enough to cause death and destruction in the immediate vicinity. With the destructive potential in mind, the Union of Concerned Scientists issued a directive that any scientist working on the Stinky Pharton must ensure double containment procedures. They cited a recent incident when, erroneously, the Stinky Pharton was let loose in a grocery store aisle with a mushroom cloud that would shame Hiroshima.

In the meantime, ruthless Mexican drug cartels and the Russian mafia have expressed interest in the Stinky Pharton to replace the less-than-efficient and aging torture methods. The epitome of this interest by the underworld was captured on the cover of the latest issue of Terrorist International Magazine, titled “Stink ‘em up”. Separately, the FBI has been concerned that if this top secret research finding were to fall into the wrong hands, a terrorist could put together a dirty bomb rather easily. Addressing security concerns, Paris Hilton, said, “We are now following strict security protocols, gentlemen. All lentils and beans (and especially Lima beans) have been sequestered in silos in the Yuck Ah mountain, under 10 feet of concrete.” The sequestration of lentils, however, has caused grave concerns for PPL (Phart Propulsion Lab) in Pasadena, California and it is rumored that the mission to MARS may be postponed until better propulsion methods could be found. Under water tests, though, continue.

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